Was at a fowl mood at work again - didnt eat for 35hours and then basically ate 5 days food in an hour but wasnt sick because mum would have come home during the episode... I really dont get why I cant do this at home. It is like I need a fresh start to be able to do this. A really good fresh start in Paris. I know I KNOW nothing EVER will let me destroy my goals in Paris. 8 weeks. 8 GLORIOUS weeks to LEARN to STARVE and to come back REFORMED. I don't know if I should take scales or not - if I don't then It will be a wicked surprise and it would most likely keep me on track. Because I could lose a SHIT LOAD in 2 months. I CANNOT WAIT. Even 3lbs a week (and I will lose more than that a week) is 24lbs in 2 months.

I AM GOING TO BE AN ANGEL

The jigsaw is coming apart

I'm falling to pieces. And I don't understand why. The only positive is the thought of eating makes me very on edge and so in 2 days I have gone from 9.2 to 8.12. 4 pounds is always a bonus. Unfortunatly I am a wreck who is destined to do rubbish in her russian exam tomorrow.

THE NEW START, THE LAST DAY

oK. tomorrow is the 25th of may... 2 MONTHS TO MY BIRTHDAY....

2 MONTHS AND 3 STONE.

Last yum meal, then that is it. A lot of diet coke and redbull light it is for me...

shit I'm scared

Russian music and Red Bull light are my guardian angels - or more Vasanti is my guardian angel and Red Bull light and Russian music are my citalopram support system. Scared about Russian soviet cinema exam. Tomorrow. Red lots. Don't remember much. Enough. Weight still in the 9 stone range. I find this terribly unfair.

2346... what is WRONG with me

twix 246
pasta 600
crunch 210
tuna sandwich 250
roll 200
flapjack 350
apple 70
banana 100
chocolate 250
carrots and humus 100

I SUCK

128 is 44 too many

ok so that didn't work again - at midnight the diet begins - yes, a diet - that is something that you are not allowed to break at all costs. maple syrup diet. some say that consuming syrup may not be considered a diet -but I beg to differ when It is the only think you consume in drink form. I would also like to point out that diet coke is now out of the questoin. Who would have thought mid exam revision this day would come

so i picked up the phone and tears answered today. but not pretty happy tears. ones that had been falling for a while and did not know how to stop their descent. so i put on my shoes and my pretty brown coat and ran until my chest hurt. Then mumbling to myself in french I went up to her room. She was on the phone, the tears were speaking less now and the voice had recovered. I do not know what to make of it all really

Tomorrow I have a plan = isn't that shocking. Pippa will never ever get to know you if you dont stick to this weeks plan. Move the doctor's appointment and you have a week to get stuck into the plan. This is how is is -

Monday - 8am library, La Douleur - read some, practice french, read more until about 1 when I order you to walk to elvet and wait in the right area. Drink the redbull light then 2.15 French Oral... after this have time to relax - beth, ruth... 5.15 walk to library - do 4 hours of croatian. ... 9.30 leave to go home... relax/ go to albert street? No food.

Tuesday - 8am Library -Croatian grammar, oral, vocab... 2.30 - leave to go to elvet... newcastle georgia, evening - film at albert street. No food. Maple syrup diet commences. I am not allowed more than 3 glasses a day.

Wednesday - Library 8am - DAY OF INTENSE RUSSIAN REVISION... Stay as long as you can manage- 8pm would be amazing. Maple syrup diet.

Thursday - Practice russian at home - maple syrup it up in the morning - 10.30 - be in elvet. Do exam. Get out dvds - 4, watch them in the afternoon and take notes on them.

Friday - Whole day in the library. Soviet Cinema. In break change over the films for another 2 for the weekend. 8-9 workies.

Saturay - 9 to 7 in library... then watch film.

Sunday - 9 to 6 in library... then watch film.

Monday - 8 in library. (In break change films) Stay until 6/8 depending. watch film

Tuesday - Repeat monday without break of film changing.

Wednesday - Repeat tuesday.

i do not know what to do.

do i eat. do i not eat? do i eat? do i not eat? do i eat? do i not eat? do i eat very small? do i eat nothing at all? will i concentrate? try it out tomorrow??? you have until 3 the following day!!!

your challange is to eat not a sole thing tomorrow. take a big bottle of liquid with you!!!

Im crap at this... bring on tomorrow

Ok. TODAY I ATEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2 pots of carrots and dip - 200kcal
pasta - 450
bread slice - 110
flump - 50
cereal bar - 190
apple - 80
baked - 150
dried mango - 200
some cashews - 250
some cheddars 200
1880

sugar disaster

this is really not going well!! today I ate... oh god wait for it...

apple
banana
flump
nutrigrain
milk icelolly thing
3 packs of tasters
6 sticks of kitkat
a yogurt
bean salad with pitta
cadbury chocolate bar
an options hotchocolate
a slice of white bread


I really don't want to eat on the weekend. Georgia said you could concentrate because you enter state of delirium - so I have 3 red bull for oral exam mornings. this is fine. PLEASE DO IT!! It has just gone midnight - every ever you may drink a hot chocolate.

if i eat after exams i will want to shoot myself

Yep. that's what I thought. FAIL

Ok... so I have eaten...

half a pack of carrots - 100kcal
2/3 of a pack of red grapes - 300kcal
baked beauties - 150kcal
a handful of shreddies - 100kcal
a handful of branflakes - 100kcal
5/6 pretzels - 50kcal max
dried mango - 200kcal
a biccie - 60kcal
a hotchocolate options - 35kcal
1095kcal

lets round that to 1200kcal today...

Why am I such a retard? Why can I never ever do this? What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeee.....

Time to fast

Ok I've read lots of sites that say there are cool health benifits of fasting, not just weight loss- and if done for more days concentration improves... SO DON'T EAT!!

thu
fri
sat
sun
mon
tue
wed
for the doctors - at least 7 pounds - which is in the 8 stone range again. phew!

major chocolate issues. sent card home. remember the cause. get under 9 stone get under 9 stone. do not buy food. fight the mind. it will not win.

Soup and Apples

There we go. If I find it hard to fast and concentrate, I can now eat apples and soups galore...

(600kcal 5am morning before start mishap)
300 Soup
400 Apples

7 day fast

It will happen

oh dear. Panic set in today and food went a little awry. Saw ruth. She hasn't eaten in ages. This made me both simultaneoulsy worry and be overcome by jealousy. Exams all known. Orals far too close. Don't want to eat/ Want to get thin. Don't want to fail exams. Wonder how long it would take to faint. Oh my god. I'm nervous.

How is it Thursday?

125kcal Cereal bar
96kcal pretzels
201kcal dried mango
149kcal baked crisps
140kcal soup
100kcal orange
811kal

Wednesday

Busy bumble bee today. Don't know how I managed to waste so much time... again. Got my summative back - 68 which I guess is ok given it was written in the mists of a crisis!! Then went to Croatian, which manjorally over ran, then French, then met Nat to talk about presentatin, then walked home, then met Beth and went to Gala coffee place with her, then walked to Elvet from year abroad meeting, then went to A56 for Russian lit talk, where I totally zoned out and did not concentrate on what the American was saying at all... but saw Mariana and Renfrew and Alex and asked Renfrew and Alex if I could see them for 5 mins -should see Renfrew Friday if he remembers and Alex on Monday for the essay. Then I went to boots, purchased a sandwich and a pack of shapers crisps, ate them - worked out it was only 350kcals and was happy - went to Ruths, chatted for an hour, walked back with ti menya zabud' playing on my phone which instantly makes me happier, got slightly misplaced and eventually got to Tescos... where I managed to spend a lot on very little. Rang Mike for carrying assistance, had soup and some snacks - but kept it under 1000 again :-) - that is the rule - tomorrow it moves to 400kcal. and now I'm taking a break, writing my Russian presentation notes - the others went to Albert street to watch TV. And with that.. time to refresh facebook.

Oh mon dieu!

Ok, so I'm sitting in Kristina's room, @ill@ so I can have a day to do some work, in a minor state that I have already put on weight - found some scales downstairs yesterday with Nick and Kristina which was momentarily the end of me, and already I have retransformed into an english psychopath. At breakfast, I asked for no meat.., that was a strong start - if you come to Russia you will see that hospitality sometimes stretches to the point of brute force and persuasion - and so I had the alimighty Russian grechka (probably cooked in oil and butter, but never mind...) then she slapped a wedge of cake infront of me - without sugar I am assured- instead it is made with smetana, which I am sure is most likeyl fattier than sugar... then had a few too many of the sugar covered biccies, which was my fault. And a banana. Then Julia went out, I proceeded to jump around, get a little hyserical and inflaly settle to my Flaubert work... then managed to finish wrtiting notes for the first section - and now have the book perched infront of me in hope that my throat will stop hurting and I'll find the enthusiasm to start working. For this I have given myself 15minutes. I figure that will be sufficient. Anyhoo. Thinking Iwould get out of lunch and setting myself up to find out just how much weight it is possible to destroy within a week, I heard the front gate go and lunch was most deffinatly dawning in it's black cloack. Anyhow it was soup and sausages with noodles and cheese. No nuritional value in sight, Julia ran off and I decided to ditch the sausage cheese concotion... in a bag in my wardrobe.. I could feel the grease on my hands. Then, having already eaten the soup, I was a little bit sick... well enough but not enough enough, and now I have a headache and a sore throat and puffy eyes. A sexy look, I can assure you. Anyhow now I am writing on here, and I shall let you into the fateful weight that I read upon the scales yesterday evening. 60KG. 

YES. 

That is right... 60KG. This morning a slightly less horrific, but all the still dangerous for mental stability 58kg. This still means that now I have a staggering 50lbs to lose. Least I can rest assured that a result will be seen!!

So as you can imagine I was in slight shock, thinking of h0w best to cut the fat from my arms and legs. It was new to my body and It was not welcome. Unable to secure myself a hospital room and the sufficient equipment I decided that I would just have to settle with dreaming to the food free future that would occur as of sunday after breakfast.  And thus we more on to the plan.

Wed 22- Already lost

Thu 23- Most likely lost

Fri 24- Most likeyl lost

Sat 25- Most deff lost (BBQ)

Sun 26- MARKS THE START OF FOOD FREEDOM AND THE BEGINNING OF AN ETERNAL FAST with the exception of diet coke these 5 foods... for the first 20 days 

Apple

Celery

Cucumber

Carrot

Blueberries

Shattered

Really tired. Work was tiring. Made a few mistakes but oh well. Walked a lot, scribbled a little, had a nice chat with Martha, and a funny phone chat with Gel, and Krak let me go home at 10. Suz did me a makeover and a facial - I was really impressed actually she was really good. Then made a massive chocolate error BECAUSE I'M SHIT. And went into school and saw Soggs and caught up FINALLY with Mme Béran - that was really nice :-) Overall my friends are great but I am a shit and I am fed up.

Vasanti wants to talk to my parents. Oh my god...

That doesn't need to happen...I eat. Ok so yesterday I didn't but this morning I had 2 bowls of Branflakes and 2 apples and I just had another bowl of branflakes, riveta and a 165kcal choc thing. I need to stop the 1am eating spree and just wait until the morning...

2300ish... why did I DO that. AGAIN.

Hello new April!!

Thank the lord it is a new month. Want a new month and I got me one. Let's not waste it, ok? Yesterday was interesting. London - UCL Waterstones is amazing... I'm lucky I didn't spend all day in there losing myself in the shelves. Walked around a lot. Ate a lot. Yes I know. No excuse. Twat - but let us leave the negativity in March. Now I have April 30, May 31, June 30 and July 24 to get there. And I am damn well going to do it.

115 DAYS.

Say I'm still 126lbs after the yesterday slip... 42lbs. Shit that is just under a stone a month. Say 12lbs a month and then 6lbs in July.

Yet I want to get a large slice done in Month one... I am aiming for my 108lbs target for the 1st May. That's 18lbs. 4.5lbs every 7 days. You really can't afford to screw up. You will hate yourself forever if you don't do it. You WILL DO THIS :-)

Not eating Today. Then nothing Thursday and nothing Friday nor Saturday. Then healthy things in small portions on Sunday to start the metabolism for Russia.

150 per hour for slow/moderate pace...

10.6 HOURS!!!!

Oh dear... walking a lot today...

ok... woke up at 5.40. Hungry stomach. Weighed myself -was 8,11 - which meant I gave into food. So I'm eating and walking in London - I'll work out how long for in a min when I have done calories.

362-Pasta
265-Damn choc roll
530-Random healthy bits and bobs
45-Mayo light for pasta

1200 lets call it because my brain wont function. Ok and the 400 from midnight... 1600 kcals... need an activity calculator...

00:04

Wow... work was shattering. Really nice seeing Gel :-) And in my break I drew with Deana and helped her read because poor little Owen was ill. Worked with Ian, Alex and a really sweet girl from Presdales... can't remember her name :-( So that was good!! And drank a gallon of Diet Coke to keep me fully fuctioning. Got majorally tempted to eat this morning... And am majorally tempted again now. I HAVEN'T EATEN TODAY!! Woooooooooooo! First time in a while that I went dizzy on several occasions and it was refreshing. I am fairly tempted to eat Pasta and beans right at this moment... and then not eat in London tomorrow... I shouldn't eat at midnight. That is wrong. But I don't know how I am going to make it through London tomorrow on the tube and walking about. How about you can have the pasta and beans ONLY if you promise. PROMISE. Not to eat a sole thing tomorrow in London during the day nor at Rach's NOR at Midnight tomorrow? ... I could do that and decide on my french oral then go to bed? Ok... maybe... x

Wen't for a chicken sandwich instead - 220 kcals (technically this counts for Tuesday) and I am about to have 2x70 toast and a 20kcal ice lolly... 380kcal. Score.

Traumatising weigh-in...

Well, I was craving the 7 biccies and the ice cream AGAIN this morning... but after weighing myself I decided against this... I AM THE HEAVIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN.

9 stone...

THAT'S 126LBS.
That's 42lbs I now have to lose... instead of 28lbs.

116 days... that's like a pound every 3 days to stay on track.

This is HARDCORE. No room for mistakes, binges, anything.

c'est la folie

So I'm sitting there, about to ask if I can be dropped off early in order to avoid dinner after the chocolate icecream fiasco... when mum cuts the chicken so I don't miss out... so just to prove the insanity of it all, I am now eating a chicken and, get this, cheese sandwich, throat very sore, eyes still red, very close to my mother. I think I could cry.

My oh my oh my...

Oh dear. Sick. Sore throat... only got the icecream and a bit of chocolate... none of the other stuff. Pants. And got interrupted because dad wanted to show granddad my hands... typique. Just when it was working... JUST WHEN IT WAS WORKING.

I want to be sick. I want to be sick. I want to be sick but there are too many ears about. I want to get sick and let it all out.

Introduction...

Not long after I had turned 14 two girls started to appear in every hidden corner of my imagination. I was drawn to them like a magpie to diamonds. Their names were Margot and Lucy, and through the forest of my thoughts they ran daily, playing an eternal game of catch, ending always with the loser entrapped within the hollow trunk of a great Oak. There the disheartned child would remain (often, and unfortunately, this was Lucy) until she found the strength to break free - and the game would recommence. As I grew older the children stayed with me, until aged 19 (and fast approaching 20) the two grew tired of incessantly running and hiding, became lifeless porcelain figures, cracks slowly appearing amongst their rosy smiles. Intruders tried to take over the forest and shelve the fading dolls. Too scared to know where to turn, they turned instead on each other, attacking both themselves and the attackers of the woodland. The war of the children had begun and a visible end was not in sight.

.

When the children took rest, they did so in seperate parts of my body. Lucy was housed within the chambers of my heart, whilst Margot planted herself and her temptation in each and every one of my senses. Usually at night the game stopped, and I slept. But sometimes the attacks were so fierce that they pierced through the nights sky, and so to any other being they were well hidden amongst a starry night. On these evenings sleep was not welcome in the forest, the quarreling children scared it away until they too wanted rest but could nolonger themselves find it. Slowly, relentlessly, the sleep, stronger than before, crept, armed with dreams, hope, peace, across the wooded border of my mind, until my eyelids closed and the dreams sang lullabies to calm the young ones' spirits.

.

As days past, such a routine rooted itself firmly into the earth, growing and twisting, until no discrepency could be found there. It would take a large gust to stir the leaves and uproot the poisened trees from the enchanted forest.

Running to the train

Totally forgot that the clocks went forward... But mission complete, wifi logged onto, I can now semi-relax on the victorian-esque train carriage that is E.

.

I'm happy with what I managed yesterday, despite the weak moment that added 600kcal. However, 1600ish - that's not going to make me put on weight. My stomach rumbled and I smiled with delight. (Whilst Beth ate Angel delight!)

.

Saw Ben for a few hours last night- really nice to finally catch up, but I promised to tell him everything that was going on and making my term a living nightmare, which subsequently made me forget about my meetings with him on 2 consequtive occasions... he took it farily seriously; a reaction that continues to amaze me. I must really try hard not to talk about all this food malarky. He wants to tell Mark, because he never understood why I started avoiding him. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I just started freaking out and then when he didn't listen I didn't know what to do. Congrats on avoiding the moving food trolley. The mars bars' call was not listened to. Anyway, where was I... Oh, well he said that he didn't really understand it, and he thought that I should spend a day eating normal amounts, at normal times, in normal quantities. I don't know how easy that is. And he didn't understand that I don't totally feel in control of what I do.. but that all made ME think... because It is MY brain after all. You would think I would be able to do that with out having a melt down or having a massive urge to be sick... but alas that is not so. I pretty much told him about everything, and he was really sweet. He said he would have asked me out before Mark, but then wasn't going to stand in his way... I sort of wish he did. But I would have still fucked up in the same retarded manner so in that respect I'm relieved he didn't.

.

Which leads me to the stream of questions...

• What AM I doing?
• How much control DO I actual have?
• When will this stop?
• Will this stop?
• Do I want 'this' to stop?
• What the hell is going to happen on my birthday if I'm not 84lbs?
• Why is that weight SO important?
• Why can't I live without doing weird things with food?
• Will I ever weigh 84lbs?

And with that... back to the daily law of numbers...

HIDDEN!!!

Day going horribly wrong. Margot is getting in... :-( Today, however, is Sunday... Which means that Monday is a new week... and my plan means that I wont much be chez moi... FUCK IT. Let's BRING BACK THE FAST!! 5 days... Not 1 week. 5 days...

Let next week make me libre comme l'air

WORK SHIFTIES...

MONDAY: 11-3, 6-Close

TUESDAY: OFF

WEDNESDAY: 11-3, 6-Close

THURSDAY: 3-Close

FRIDAY: 12-10

yessssss! YES! YESSS!! YESS!! Do you know how EASY that makes missing dinner!!!!!

Monday - Work whole day

Tuesday - London, Mike.

Wednesday -Work whole day

Thursday - Sleep all morning, work all day

Friday - Work whole day

A 10am Saturday Morning

Margot caught up with me yesterday... in the form of

too much cereal - 600kcal?
4 apples.. yes. 4 - 280kcal
1 banana - 100kcal
1 crisp packet - 140kcal
1 salad - 350kcal
1 baguette - 466kcal
1 flapjack fruity - 265kcal
unwanted pasta - 150kcal
skinny muffin - 322kcal

2673.
NOT GOOD!

I think I need to ease back into this. So I have a 1000kcal daily limit. Breakfast -200, Lunch - 300, Dinner - 400 and 100kcal snacks. (eating under is of course permitted and thus shall not be frowned upon)...

Today this has worked out as follows so far...

Breakfast: (200max)
2 jubbly lollies - 41kcal :-) Thank god for ice :-)

1 piece plain toast - 125kcal

mini milkybar -69kcal


Lunch: (300max)

285kcal chicken salad sandwich

Dinner: (400max)

Ratatouille - 120kcal

Vegetables - 60kcal

1/2 Salmon - 130kcal

Lettuce bag - 14kcal

icelollies - 85kcal

Snacks: (100ish)

Red grapes - 80kcal

Crisps - 65kcal

Drink - 8kcal

1082 TOTAL: 1623 WITH SWEETIES + BANANA (MOMENT OF WEAKNESS)

Major major major headache is once again in full swing. What is this about?! And my tooth gum hurts. And my toenails on my left foot are gross. And my headache really really needs to go away!

Maureen in Mark and Spencer is very very sweet, she must have very cute grandchildren. The wind is very very cold and windy... strange hey! BB BRUNES - Cool band on lemouv' :-)

Laura Marling - My Manic and I

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva, the mountains can cover the shape of his nose He wants to die where nobody can see him but the beauty of his death will carry on so I dont believe him
He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him and sometimes with scorn and sometimes I believe him And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy, get scared and call him but he's usually hazy
By one in the morning day is not ended, by two he is scared and sleep is no friend, and by four he will drink but cannot feel it, sleep will not come because sleep does not will it and I dont believe him Morning is mocking me
I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats until the ring on my finger slips to the ground A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down And I dont believe him, morning is mocking me
Oh the gods that he believes never fail to amaze me He believes in the love of his god of all things, but I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him I can't control you I dont know you well, these are the reasons I think that you're ill I can't control you I dont know you well, these are the reasons I think that you're ill
And since lots have we parted and loss that I saw him and down by a river silent and morning was mocking us. Blood hit the sky I was just happy, my manic and I He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes and birds were singing to calm us down. And birds were singing to calm us down And I'm sorry young man, I cannot be your friend. I don't believe in a fairytale end. I dont keep my head up all of the time I find it dull when my heart meets my mind And I hardly know you I think I can tell, these are the reasons I think that we're ill And I hardly know you I think I can tell, these are the reasons I think that I'm ill And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me My happy man my manic and I have no plans to move on The birds are singing to calm us down And birds are singing to calm us down

Steps to find her...

1. 112lbs - 18.9
2. 108lbs - 18.2
3. 104lbs - 17.6
4. 100lbs - 16.9
5. 96lbs - 16.2
6. 92lbs - 15.5
7. 88lbs - 14.9
8. 84lbs - 14.2

It is time to find Lucy

War of the children

Something has gone horribly wrong. Margot has escaped and Lucy is nowhere to be found. Toast. Icecream. Chocolate. Toast. Cereal. Sandwich. Toilet. This is what Margot does. This is what she always does. Hairband. Water. Fingers. Further just a little further, oh no no wait until you gag. This is dangerous. This could become as easy as eating. You smile and you laugh when the sicky chocolate tinges and taints the tastebuds of your mouth once more. Just a little more. Wash the fingers, try again. You can reach the toast. The toast needs to come out. Haha look what you can do, you are so proud. You smile and you cry with pain and with pleasure. Margot has got out, Margot's running about and she wont stop, until you pop, and the fatty insides come out.

You have to get out. Something compels you to run. To the swings, to Newcastle, to London. That's right - drown yourself in the city like sweet Thérèse. Run from the shops, and the restaurants, and the icecream van, and the newsagents, and Marks and Spencer. Especially Mark and Spencer. Keep running, you can do it, you can find Lucy. She is still in the city. Hunt harder, faster, she's hiding from you because she is tired. She doesn't realise you need her. Look in the dark corners. You will find her innocent smile and delicate hands to help her up. Oh no. oh no oh no oh no oh no. Oh no. No no no no no. Not Mcdonals. There is nothing nourishing about strawberry milkshake made from icecream. 420 Kcalories. 420 Kcalories further away from the stripy Reiss jeans. You don't need it. You don't want it. Get away from the coun.... no no no stop talking. Oh shit. Fuck shit fuck. Why are you drinking the creamy concoction? Yum. Oh I forgot how yum this was. Shit fuck shit fuck stop stop stop STOP. It is ok really, you haven't eaten all day. What are you talking about? You are growing at the seams by the second!! Ok. Leave. Run far into the distance and find the swings. Get away from the food. What. WHAT are you doing? Another one... are you KIDDING me? 840. 840. 840. Oh my lord where is the stop button. I want to rewind. Rewind! Stop stop stop. Oh god. Now you are going to cry. What a twat. What a fat fucking twat. All you had to do was walk past like you did every other store and 1lb thinner you would have been tomorrow. You would have smiled. You would have found Lucy. But no. Appears you are too stupid for that. You don't deserve to cry. You have no one to blame but yourself. It is always only your fault. I fucking hate Margot. Hairband. Water. Fingers. Hurry! 30 Minutes or all is lost. Blood. Tears. Temporary relief. Make a plan to refind Lucy and fall to sleep. Everything will be fine, you'll find her soon. She is never very far away.

At the Feathers Margot cant find you. The bolted fences spring up from the ground and stop all access. You are safe now to walk and work and walk and work and walk and work. No thinking. You don't even want to eat! Yes!!! Yipeeee! No, that's right, you're NOT hungry!! Has 10 hours really gone already? Oh shit mum's car is here... Dash to the car, do not talk, run upstairs, go to sleep. No water. It is too dangerous to think about the kitchen. Oh no. A trampled snicker's wrapper is on the ground. Margot is making her move. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. You can do it. You are not hungry, you say. Your stomach does not in any way desire to be filled. Well, maybe one digestive. How harmful is 80kcalories? That's nothing really. Only the same as an apple. NO! Bed. bed. bed. RAISE THE ALARM!! Get into bed... No mummy I don't want to chat downstairs on the sofa, 3 steps from the kitchen where the biscuit tin is rattling it's contents at me. I can't hear you. La la la laaaa la. La la la laaaaaaaa la. What am I doing tomorrow? 'He wants to die in a lake at Geneva' la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa la. 11.30. Witching hour. It is almost a fresh day. BUT YOU HAVE GOT SO FAR! You almost have Lucy! 30 minutes and the slate is wiped clean of all calorie calculations. You can eat now. NO YOU CANNNNNNNT!

Please help me find Lucy. Margot is making me sad.