Running to the train

Totally forgot that the clocks went forward... But mission complete, wifi logged onto, I can now semi-relax on the victorian-esque train carriage that is E.

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I'm happy with what I managed yesterday, despite the weak moment that added 600kcal. However, 1600ish - that's not going to make me put on weight. My stomach rumbled and I smiled with delight. (Whilst Beth ate Angel delight!)

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Saw Ben for a few hours last night- really nice to finally catch up, but I promised to tell him everything that was going on and making my term a living nightmare, which subsequently made me forget about my meetings with him on 2 consequtive occasions... he took it farily seriously; a reaction that continues to amaze me. I must really try hard not to talk about all this food malarky. He wants to tell Mark, because he never understood why I started avoiding him. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I just started freaking out and then when he didn't listen I didn't know what to do. Congrats on avoiding the moving food trolley. The mars bars' call was not listened to. Anyway, where was I... Oh, well he said that he didn't really understand it, and he thought that I should spend a day eating normal amounts, at normal times, in normal quantities. I don't know how easy that is. And he didn't understand that I don't totally feel in control of what I do.. but that all made ME think... because It is MY brain after all. You would think I would be able to do that with out having a melt down or having a massive urge to be sick... but alas that is not so. I pretty much told him about everything, and he was really sweet. He said he would have asked me out before Mark, but then wasn't going to stand in his way... I sort of wish he did. But I would have still fucked up in the same retarded manner so in that respect I'm relieved he didn't.

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Which leads me to the stream of questions...

• What AM I doing?
• How much control DO I actual have?
• When will this stop?
• Will this stop?
• Do I want 'this' to stop?
• What the hell is going to happen on my birthday if I'm not 84lbs?
• Why is that weight SO important?
• Why can't I live without doing weird things with food?
• Will I ever weigh 84lbs?

And with that... back to the daily law of numbers...

HIDDEN!!!

Day going horribly wrong. Margot is getting in... :-( Today, however, is Sunday... Which means that Monday is a new week... and my plan means that I wont much be chez moi... FUCK IT. Let's BRING BACK THE FAST!! 5 days... Not 1 week. 5 days...