150 per hour for slow/moderate pace...

10.6 HOURS!!!!

Oh dear... walking a lot today...

ok... woke up at 5.40. Hungry stomach. Weighed myself -was 8,11 - which meant I gave into food. So I'm eating and walking in London - I'll work out how long for in a min when I have done calories.

362-Pasta
265-Damn choc roll
530-Random healthy bits and bobs
45-Mayo light for pasta

1200 lets call it because my brain wont function. Ok and the 400 from midnight... 1600 kcals... need an activity calculator...

00:04

Wow... work was shattering. Really nice seeing Gel :-) And in my break I drew with Deana and helped her read because poor little Owen was ill. Worked with Ian, Alex and a really sweet girl from Presdales... can't remember her name :-( So that was good!! And drank a gallon of Diet Coke to keep me fully fuctioning. Got majorally tempted to eat this morning... And am majorally tempted again now. I HAVEN'T EATEN TODAY!! Woooooooooooo! First time in a while that I went dizzy on several occasions and it was refreshing. I am fairly tempted to eat Pasta and beans right at this moment... and then not eat in London tomorrow... I shouldn't eat at midnight. That is wrong. But I don't know how I am going to make it through London tomorrow on the tube and walking about. How about you can have the pasta and beans ONLY if you promise. PROMISE. Not to eat a sole thing tomorrow in London during the day nor at Rach's NOR at Midnight tomorrow? ... I could do that and decide on my french oral then go to bed? Ok... maybe... x

Wen't for a chicken sandwich instead - 220 kcals (technically this counts for Tuesday) and I am about to have 2x70 toast and a 20kcal ice lolly... 380kcal. Score.

Traumatising weigh-in...

Well, I was craving the 7 biccies and the ice cream AGAIN this morning... but after weighing myself I decided against this... I AM THE HEAVIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN.

9 stone...

THAT'S 126LBS.
That's 42lbs I now have to lose... instead of 28lbs.

116 days... that's like a pound every 3 days to stay on track.

This is HARDCORE. No room for mistakes, binges, anything.

c'est la folie

So I'm sitting there, about to ask if I can be dropped off early in order to avoid dinner after the chocolate icecream fiasco... when mum cuts the chicken so I don't miss out... so just to prove the insanity of it all, I am now eating a chicken and, get this, cheese sandwich, throat very sore, eyes still red, very close to my mother. I think I could cry.

My oh my oh my...

Oh dear. Sick. Sore throat... only got the icecream and a bit of chocolate... none of the other stuff. Pants. And got interrupted because dad wanted to show granddad my hands... typique. Just when it was working... JUST WHEN IT WAS WORKING.

I want to be sick. I want to be sick. I want to be sick but there are too many ears about. I want to get sick and let it all out.

Introduction...

Not long after I had turned 14 two girls started to appear in every hidden corner of my imagination. I was drawn to them like a magpie to diamonds. Their names were Margot and Lucy, and through the forest of my thoughts they ran daily, playing an eternal game of catch, ending always with the loser entrapped within the hollow trunk of a great Oak. There the disheartned child would remain (often, and unfortunately, this was Lucy) until she found the strength to break free - and the game would recommence. As I grew older the children stayed with me, until aged 19 (and fast approaching 20) the two grew tired of incessantly running and hiding, became lifeless porcelain figures, cracks slowly appearing amongst their rosy smiles. Intruders tried to take over the forest and shelve the fading dolls. Too scared to know where to turn, they turned instead on each other, attacking both themselves and the attackers of the woodland. The war of the children had begun and a visible end was not in sight.

.

When the children took rest, they did so in seperate parts of my body. Lucy was housed within the chambers of my heart, whilst Margot planted herself and her temptation in each and every one of my senses. Usually at night the game stopped, and I slept. But sometimes the attacks were so fierce that they pierced through the nights sky, and so to any other being they were well hidden amongst a starry night. On these evenings sleep was not welcome in the forest, the quarreling children scared it away until they too wanted rest but could nolonger themselves find it. Slowly, relentlessly, the sleep, stronger than before, crept, armed with dreams, hope, peace, across the wooded border of my mind, until my eyelids closed and the dreams sang lullabies to calm the young ones' spirits.

.

As days past, such a routine rooted itself firmly into the earth, growing and twisting, until no discrepency could be found there. It would take a large gust to stir the leaves and uproot the poisened trees from the enchanted forest.

Running to the train

Totally forgot that the clocks went forward... But mission complete, wifi logged onto, I can now semi-relax on the victorian-esque train carriage that is E.

.

I'm happy with what I managed yesterday, despite the weak moment that added 600kcal. However, 1600ish - that's not going to make me put on weight. My stomach rumbled and I smiled with delight. (Whilst Beth ate Angel delight!)

.

Saw Ben for a few hours last night- really nice to finally catch up, but I promised to tell him everything that was going on and making my term a living nightmare, which subsequently made me forget about my meetings with him on 2 consequtive occasions... he took it farily seriously; a reaction that continues to amaze me. I must really try hard not to talk about all this food malarky. He wants to tell Mark, because he never understood why I started avoiding him. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I just started freaking out and then when he didn't listen I didn't know what to do. Congrats on avoiding the moving food trolley. The mars bars' call was not listened to. Anyway, where was I... Oh, well he said that he didn't really understand it, and he thought that I should spend a day eating normal amounts, at normal times, in normal quantities. I don't know how easy that is. And he didn't understand that I don't totally feel in control of what I do.. but that all made ME think... because It is MY brain after all. You would think I would be able to do that with out having a melt down or having a massive urge to be sick... but alas that is not so. I pretty much told him about everything, and he was really sweet. He said he would have asked me out before Mark, but then wasn't going to stand in his way... I sort of wish he did. But I would have still fucked up in the same retarded manner so in that respect I'm relieved he didn't.

.

Which leads me to the stream of questions...

• What AM I doing?
• How much control DO I actual have?
• When will this stop?
• Will this stop?
• Do I want 'this' to stop?
• What the hell is going to happen on my birthday if I'm not 84lbs?
• Why is that weight SO important?
• Why can't I live without doing weird things with food?
• Will I ever weigh 84lbs?

And with that... back to the daily law of numbers...

HIDDEN!!!

Day going horribly wrong. Margot is getting in... :-( Today, however, is Sunday... Which means that Monday is a new week... and my plan means that I wont much be chez moi... FUCK IT. Let's BRING BACK THE FAST!! 5 days... Not 1 week. 5 days...

Let next week make me libre comme l'air

WORK SHIFTIES...

MONDAY: 11-3, 6-Close

TUESDAY: OFF

WEDNESDAY: 11-3, 6-Close

THURSDAY: 3-Close

FRIDAY: 12-10

yessssss! YES! YESSS!! YESS!! Do you know how EASY that makes missing dinner!!!!!

Monday - Work whole day

Tuesday - London, Mike.

Wednesday -Work whole day

Thursday - Sleep all morning, work all day

Friday - Work whole day

A 10am Saturday Morning

Margot caught up with me yesterday... in the form of

too much cereal - 600kcal?
4 apples.. yes. 4 - 280kcal
1 banana - 100kcal
1 crisp packet - 140kcal
1 salad - 350kcal
1 baguette - 466kcal
1 flapjack fruity - 265kcal
unwanted pasta - 150kcal
skinny muffin - 322kcal

2673.
NOT GOOD!

I think I need to ease back into this. So I have a 1000kcal daily limit. Breakfast -200, Lunch - 300, Dinner - 400 and 100kcal snacks. (eating under is of course permitted and thus shall not be frowned upon)...

Today this has worked out as follows so far...

Breakfast: (200max)
2 jubbly lollies - 41kcal :-) Thank god for ice :-)

1 piece plain toast - 125kcal

mini milkybar -69kcal


Lunch: (300max)

285kcal chicken salad sandwich

Dinner: (400max)

Ratatouille - 120kcal

Vegetables - 60kcal

1/2 Salmon - 130kcal

Lettuce bag - 14kcal

icelollies - 85kcal

Snacks: (100ish)

Red grapes - 80kcal

Crisps - 65kcal

Drink - 8kcal

1082 TOTAL: 1623 WITH SWEETIES + BANANA (MOMENT OF WEAKNESS)

Major major major headache is once again in full swing. What is this about?! And my tooth gum hurts. And my toenails on my left foot are gross. And my headache really really needs to go away!

Maureen in Mark and Spencer is very very sweet, she must have very cute grandchildren. The wind is very very cold and windy... strange hey! BB BRUNES - Cool band on lemouv' :-)

Laura Marling - My Manic and I

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva, the mountains can cover the shape of his nose He wants to die where nobody can see him but the beauty of his death will carry on so I dont believe him
He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him and sometimes with scorn and sometimes I believe him And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy, get scared and call him but he's usually hazy
By one in the morning day is not ended, by two he is scared and sleep is no friend, and by four he will drink but cannot feel it, sleep will not come because sleep does not will it and I dont believe him Morning is mocking me
I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats until the ring on my finger slips to the ground A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city the veins of which have broken me down And I dont believe him, morning is mocking me
Oh the gods that he believes never fail to amaze me He believes in the love of his god of all things, but I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him I can't control you I dont know you well, these are the reasons I think that you're ill I can't control you I dont know you well, these are the reasons I think that you're ill
And since lots have we parted and loss that I saw him and down by a river silent and morning was mocking us. Blood hit the sky I was just happy, my manic and I He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes and birds were singing to calm us down. And birds were singing to calm us down And I'm sorry young man, I cannot be your friend. I don't believe in a fairytale end. I dont keep my head up all of the time I find it dull when my heart meets my mind And I hardly know you I think I can tell, these are the reasons I think that we're ill And I hardly know you I think I can tell, these are the reasons I think that I'm ill And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me My happy man my manic and I have no plans to move on The birds are singing to calm us down And birds are singing to calm us down

Steps to find her...

1. 112lbs - 18.9
2. 108lbs - 18.2
3. 104lbs - 17.6
4. 100lbs - 16.9
5. 96lbs - 16.2
6. 92lbs - 15.5
7. 88lbs - 14.9
8. 84lbs - 14.2

It is time to find Lucy

War of the children

Something has gone horribly wrong. Margot has escaped and Lucy is nowhere to be found. Toast. Icecream. Chocolate. Toast. Cereal. Sandwich. Toilet. This is what Margot does. This is what she always does. Hairband. Water. Fingers. Further just a little further, oh no no wait until you gag. This is dangerous. This could become as easy as eating. You smile and you laugh when the sicky chocolate tinges and taints the tastebuds of your mouth once more. Just a little more. Wash the fingers, try again. You can reach the toast. The toast needs to come out. Haha look what you can do, you are so proud. You smile and you cry with pain and with pleasure. Margot has got out, Margot's running about and she wont stop, until you pop, and the fatty insides come out.

You have to get out. Something compels you to run. To the swings, to Newcastle, to London. That's right - drown yourself in the city like sweet Thérèse. Run from the shops, and the restaurants, and the icecream van, and the newsagents, and Marks and Spencer. Especially Mark and Spencer. Keep running, you can do it, you can find Lucy. She is still in the city. Hunt harder, faster, she's hiding from you because she is tired. She doesn't realise you need her. Look in the dark corners. You will find her innocent smile and delicate hands to help her up. Oh no. oh no oh no oh no oh no. Oh no. No no no no no. Not Mcdonals. There is nothing nourishing about strawberry milkshake made from icecream. 420 Kcalories. 420 Kcalories further away from the stripy Reiss jeans. You don't need it. You don't want it. Get away from the coun.... no no no stop talking. Oh shit. Fuck shit fuck. Why are you drinking the creamy concoction? Yum. Oh I forgot how yum this was. Shit fuck shit fuck stop stop stop STOP. It is ok really, you haven't eaten all day. What are you talking about? You are growing at the seams by the second!! Ok. Leave. Run far into the distance and find the swings. Get away from the food. What. WHAT are you doing? Another one... are you KIDDING me? 840. 840. 840. Oh my lord where is the stop button. I want to rewind. Rewind! Stop stop stop. Oh god. Now you are going to cry. What a twat. What a fat fucking twat. All you had to do was walk past like you did every other store and 1lb thinner you would have been tomorrow. You would have smiled. You would have found Lucy. But no. Appears you are too stupid for that. You don't deserve to cry. You have no one to blame but yourself. It is always only your fault. I fucking hate Margot. Hairband. Water. Fingers. Hurry! 30 Minutes or all is lost. Blood. Tears. Temporary relief. Make a plan to refind Lucy and fall to sleep. Everything will be fine, you'll find her soon. She is never very far away.

At the Feathers Margot cant find you. The bolted fences spring up from the ground and stop all access. You are safe now to walk and work and walk and work and walk and work. No thinking. You don't even want to eat! Yes!!! Yipeeee! No, that's right, you're NOT hungry!! Has 10 hours really gone already? Oh shit mum's car is here... Dash to the car, do not talk, run upstairs, go to sleep. No water. It is too dangerous to think about the kitchen. Oh no. A trampled snicker's wrapper is on the ground. Margot is making her move. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. You can do it. You are not hungry, you say. Your stomach does not in any way desire to be filled. Well, maybe one digestive. How harmful is 80kcalories? That's nothing really. Only the same as an apple. NO! Bed. bed. bed. RAISE THE ALARM!! Get into bed... No mummy I don't want to chat downstairs on the sofa, 3 steps from the kitchen where the biscuit tin is rattling it's contents at me. I can't hear you. La la la laaaa la. La la la laaaaaaaa la. What am I doing tomorrow? 'He wants to die in a lake at Geneva' la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa la. 11.30. Witching hour. It is almost a fresh day. BUT YOU HAVE GOT SO FAR! You almost have Lucy! 30 minutes and the slate is wiped clean of all calorie calculations. You can eat now. NO YOU CANNNNNNNT!

Please help me find Lucy. Margot is making me sad.